Here is a great collection of Funny quotes about life such as: I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. It is very true that the shortest words and Funny quotes have the wisdom of life inside of them.

Reporter: ‘Tell me, how did you find America? John Lennon: Turned left at Greenland.'

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

Funny quotes about life - A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.

'There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?'

Funny quotes about life - "In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman."

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.  Now I see that I should have been more specific

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

'The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But, but, think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.'

Funny quotes - "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

‘It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

An economist is a surgeon with an excellent scalpel and a rough-edged lancet, who operates beautifully on the dead and tortures the living.

Funny quotes - The best place that will make you smile with these really Funny quotes about life

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Funny quotes about life are special because there's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. These funny quotes will make you laugh and smile even when you have sad moments in your life.

"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something."

Funny quotes about life - Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Funny quotes - "Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are, and what they ought to be."

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

Funny quotes about life - "Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit."

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

Funny quotes about life - "Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

"Once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."

Funny quotes - The best place that will make you smile with these really Funny quotes about life

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Funny quotes about life and marriage can really make you smile and feel better when things go wrong. So the next time something bother you just relax and read Funny quotes.

Good nature is worth more than knowledge, more than money, more than honor.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.

"It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean."

Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.

Funny quotes about life - "The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself."

When you cannot get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.

Everyone should have at least two friends - one to talk to and one to talk about.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.

Funny quotes - "Happiness is like a cat, If you try to coax it or call it, it will avoid you; it will never come. But if you pay not attention to it and go about your business, you'll find it rubbing against your legs and jumping into your lap."

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

Getting married is like buying a car. Once you get it off the lot, you're sure you could have gotten a better deal!

Quote - Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it isn't so hot.

Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

Funny quotes - The best place that will make you smile with these really Funny quotes about life

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"Through Funny quotes about life, you can soften some of the worst things that life delivers. And once you find laughter within those Funny quotes, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it."

Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up.

Funny quotes about Life - "The reason so few people are successful is no one has yet found a way for someone to sit down and slide uphill."

Give me a stock clerk with a goal and I'll give you a man who will make history. Give me a man with no goals and I'll give you a stock clerk.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

If you really want to do something, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse.

Funny quotes about Life - When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best - that is inspiration.

If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

"Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that."

The number-one fear in life is public speaking, and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs -- jolted by every pebble in the road."

Funny quotes - You don't have to know how to sing, it's feeling as though you want to that makes the day happy and successful.

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.

Funny quotes - The best place that will make you smile with these really Funny quotes about life

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Funny quotes about life will help you realize that the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams". So don't be afraid to dream with these Funny quotes.

When you are making a success of something, it's not work. It's a way of life. You enjoy yourself because you are making your contribution to the world.

Mark Twain says honesty is the best policy if there is money in it.

I wish I could be with you every night, watch you fall asleep and kiss you goodnight. When I get to heaven, I know just what to do. I'll spend eternity watching over you.

It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.

Funny quotes about life - You are what you are and you are where you are because of what has gone into your mind. You change what you are and you change where you are by changing what goes into your mind.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

Success comes in cans, failure in can'ts.

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.

"Now that's my phone buzzing there. I don't want you to think I'm getting fresh or anything."

Funny quotes - Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.

We can easily tolerate the hardship if we try. I mean to say others hardships.

When a man has put a limit on what he will do, he has put a limit on what he can do.

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."

Quotes - Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

Take balanced diet but dont take to get food.

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.

Funny quotes - The best place that will make you smile with these really Funny quotes about life

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Funny quotes about life will help you to bring the smile to your face. Even if times are hard and even if you can't keep up with the mortgage payments, Funny quotes will bring back the joy into your life.

Be good; if you can't be good, have fun.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Two people are never such good friends as when they are share a mutual dislike of a third person.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Funny quotes about life - some people drink from a glass, i drink from a fountain

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something like your mortgage.

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.

Funny quotes - If God wanted football played in the spring, he would not have invented baseball

Cleaning your high paid mortgage house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

When I'm right, no one remembers, when I'm wrong, no one forgets.

A baseball park is the one place where a man's wife doesn't mind his getting excited over somebody else's curves.

USA Today has come out with a new survey-apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population.

If the teacher is way better than the one he teaches, he's nothing but a failure.

Funny quotes - I have three kinds of friends: those who love me, those who pay no attention to me, and those who detest me.

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.

Ninety feet between home plate and first base may be the closest man has ever come to perfection.

If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

The art of giving  advice to best friends is to make them believe that they thought of it themselves.

There is a strength in the union of very sorry men.

Character is determined more by the lack of certain experiences than by those one has had.

Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth.

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Funny quotes - The best place that will make you smile with these really Funny quotes about life

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